Sunday, November 1, 2015

Return to Darkness

I received the gift of an extra four hours today. One from the time change, the rest from getting off work three hours early.  (I have an awesome boss.)

I took Rupee for a walk, attempted some vacuuming, emptied and re-loaded the dishwasher and ran a load of laundry for the second time because it hung out wet in the washing machine one day too long.  Oops.  But the best thing I did with my bonus time was sit with a friend over tea for a couple hours.  We processed a lot. I listened a lot. I didn’t have a lot of answers.  I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the point.

I heard many bemoan the return to darkness today.  I’m the oddball.  I love the dark.  I have a fantasy about living by the light cycles and not using electricity - this includes taking showers in the dark. TMI, maybe. That fantasy ends abruptly when it comes to actually hauling wood, sweeping ashes and pounding my clothes clean with salt water and rocks - but it did prompt me to buy a dozen kerosene lanterns a couple years ago.  I have one lit now.  In its warm glow I’ve watched a furious sea and an exceptional high tide fade to black and, at six pm, am feeling delightfully sleepy.


 I like this photo of my lantern and computer.  It seems to be about the right balance of old and new. 

The wheel has turned and we are solidly into fall. I wait all year for this. I’m feeling content in my little spot by the sea today and I wish the same for you wherever you are.

P.S. I have eleven lanterns to spare if anybody wants one

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Why I Wake Early

It's my day off.  I stayed up till midnight watching a movie, knowing I could sleep in.  Wouldn't you know it?  At 5:30am I was wide awake. I didn't know there was a  -1.1 tide at 6:35am. Clamming is closed so on a morning when there could have been thousands of people frantically digging their limit it was just me and that bald eagle perched on the sand, daring the crows to try and take his breakfast. In the second it took me to scan the beach to the north, he was gone.  Had he really been there?  I bet I could have found the footprints.

I did marvel at the intricate sand snail trails turning the beach into a huge etch-a-sketch. I stomped around and smiled at the clam shows and wished them well. I picked up and kissed the most enormous slug I've ever seen. I found more sand dollars than I could carry.  I watched the rising sun light up the sea gooseberry blobs like iridescent glass. Most importantly, I thanked the Universe for not letting me sleep in.

Mary Oliver published a book of poems titled 'Why I Wake Early'.  Here is my favorite poem from that collection:

The Pinewoods

Just before dawn 
three deer 
came walking 
down the hill

as if the moment were nothing different
from eternity --
as lightly as that
they nibbled

the leaves,
they drank
from the pond,
their pretty mouths

sucking the loose silver,
their heavy eyes
shining.
Listen,

I did not really see them.
I came later, and saw their tracks
on the empty sand.
But I don't believe

only to the edge
of what my eyes actually see
in the kindness of the morning,
do you?

And my life,
which is my body surely,
is also something more --
isn't yours?

I suppose the deer waited 
to see the sun lift itself up,
filling the hills with light and shadows --
then they went leaping

back into the rough, uncharted pinewoods
where I have lived so much of my life,
where everythig is so quick and uncertain,
so glancing, so improbable, so real.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

More Serendipity

I love it when the universe conspires with me, sometimes even before I'm aware of it.  I think it corresponds (tranlate: is the same thing) to the idea of God answering prayers even before you breathe them.

It was Sunday evening. I'd put off the assignment for my Monday afternoon writing group until the last minute. It had been a busy day and my mind was spinning.  I threw some mellow music on Pandora and drew a hot bath.  Mentioning the epsom salts sounds very senior citizen, but what the fuck. I have recived mail from AARP.

So I'm in the bath tub, winding down and have started contemplating the subtle things you hear at the end of the day . . . the sounds that emerge when the hustle and bustle has died down . . . when you can hear the white noise of the ocean, hidden all day by next door's construction equipment . . . when you can hear the song sparrows saying goodnight to the day . . . when you can hear the drips from the faucet falling into the water you are soaking in . . .

Then the music started to register and it was so compelling I hopped out of the tub and ran, towel wrapped and dripping, downstairs to learn the name of the song.  It was a piece called 'Silent Hollow' by Robert Linton from his album "Whisperings at Nightfall".  For real.  You can't make this shit up.

Pull up the link, push play and read the poem.  The only cool thing you need to know is that every 2nd line is transposed to become the next line.  It was a challenging and fun puzzle.  I'd like to thank Robert Linton,  wherever he is, for the beautiful inspiration.

Whisperings at Nightfall

There are some things you only hear
among the whisperings at nightfall.

At nightfall I sit among the whisperings
which ride beneath the surface.

The surface rides beneath,
and mingles with, the static of the ocean

Which is not a static ocean at all -
carrying on, indifferent to our awareness.

Carrying awareness indifferently
among the whisperings at nightfall.







Monday, April 27, 2015

Stinking Dead Things and Lessons on Time

You can smell them from the Safeway parking lot. You can smell them from the intersection of Broadway and Holladay. You can smell them in my living room with the back door open. The Velellas are back by the millions and they are dying.  This happened in July last year.  I posted about them here. Somewhere I have a journal I purchased at the time to start recording the cycles of the ocean and what I find washed up on the beach.  I have yet to write in it. I better get after it.

It's been a little over two months since I moved permanently to Seaside. It's been a whirlwind of a couple months, settling into my 'sugar cube' house; starting a new job in a new coffee shop; volunteering weekly at the Wildlife Center; writing with a fun, creative group at Beach Books.

Last weekend my best friend of (cough)thirty-nine(cough) years flew in from Reno to celebrate my becoming a published poet. The poem I shared here has been published in the North Coast Squid. Yet another milestone, of many, Glenda and I have shared together.

After Glenda's visit I made a quick dash to Hood River to celebrate Taylor's eighteenth birthday.


I drove back to Seaside on Monday and got back in time to catch the tail end of a decent low tide and half a limit of razor clams. As I was heading back to the house I heard a voice say, "Hey, baseball bat!" I looked up to see Walt, my clamming guru from last spring.  You may remember him and Gizmo from this post.  We made a date for clamming on Wednesday.  It was great to reconnect!





The next morning I was driving to Olney, where the Wildlife Center is located, for my weekly volunteer shift.  The drive was soothing and beautiful and for the first time since my move I felt settled.  My Tuesday routine has become . . . routine.

 My life is busy and full and I am very grateful.

Here are some pictures I took today. In spite of the fact that the Velellas stink to high heavens, it's a remarkable phenomenom.  They are a reminder that life moves in cycles here in this part of the world.  I need to pay attention becuase in a few days there may be very little left of the Velellas and we'll be on to the next thing.





 I am thinking about how time flies . . .

Thirty-nine years of friendsip, 
eighteen years since the birth of my last child, 
one year since I learned to clam and saw my first Velellas.  
Before I know it the Velellas will be here again. 
What will I have done  with my one wild and precious life in the meantime?


*Thanks to Walt Pisarczyk for the clamming photos!
* "my one wild and precious life" excerpted from Mary Oliver's 'The Summer Day'.





Thursday, February 19, 2015

Unseen Magic

As I start my 54th trek around the sun I find myself in an odd place. . .  mostly moved out of my home of nearly 6 years, finishing some shifts at my beloved coffee shop, days away from the final car load to Seaside and crashing in the home of my ex - a home we shared in the  midst of a pear orchard.

I had a holy spot on the western end of the orchard. It was edged by Indian Creek and a small wood. My daughter and I rolled ottoman sized stones into place to form a circle. There were many full moon gatherings, both solo or with my sacred circle of friends. It was, and as I just discovered, still is, a magical place. 

I am grateful to the Universe (and to Kelvin) for letting me land here for a few last days before leaving for my new home. 


The pull of the invisible new moon
stirs me from slumber . . .
insists on my participation . . .
calls me.
I know the way,
even in the moonless darkness.
My feet have walked this path
more times than I remember.
Of this I am sure -
I have been here before.
I mean really before.
I follow the wide path through the pear trees.
West - South - West again.
The stand of woods rises out of the mist.
Yes, there really is mist.
Oh, I've missed this place.
My sacred place of stone and trees.
Much has happened here - 
 women have gathered
     stories have been told
    tears shed
      strength reclaimed.
     The magic runs deep.
The stones are long since scattered . . .
The graceful cottonwood,
strewn with beribboned offerings,
is gone.
But
the space is here.
The Guardians, the spirit, the magic . . .
all here.
And, as with the new moon,
that unseen, but remembered,
is all the more powerful.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Long Way Home

Well, it has happened. 
I will never visit the coast again. 
That's it. I'm done!  
On February 4 I will take 84 west to 5 south, hop on 405 in whichever direction it jogs to 26 and then cruise west to Hwy 101 and north to my beloved Seaside. 
Not as a visitor but as a resident. 
I'll be home!  
It's taken 52 years. 
Talk about the long way home! 
No, there won't be kippers for breakfast, 
but do stop in for a mean scrambled clam hash. 
Any time. 
Please. 
My door will be open.  
The following poems happened on my last visit.  
Thanks for sharing this journey with me. 
Now, I have a garage to clear out. 
See you at the beach!!


Chiffon With a Side of Hail


Today is the kind of day that can't make up her mind. 
Being a total beach
she can be as fickle as she pleases. 
Who is going to argue with her? 
Like an excited teenager before a date, 
this day is flouncing from one frock to the next 
as fast as she can bat her eyelashes. 
Sunny lemon chiffon . . .
Iridescent grey silk with a sheer ribbon of rainbow . . .
Misty grey satin studded with hail rhinestones . . .
She twirls around until she catches a glimpse of herself 
in the mirror of the sea
and in an instant she's on to the next.
When she wearies 
she will wrap herself in black velvet 
and sleep. 

Gullible
Guilty as charged.
I bribed you with a twenty pound bag of
cheap cat food.
It was the only way to get close to you.
You were one among many. 
At a quick glance you and your flock
(yes, that’s what we call you)
all look alike.
But I am getting to know you.
Yes, you with one leg.
Yes, you with a tear 
in the pink webbing of your foot.
And yes, I remember and miss you, Cap’n,
with the hook in your wing.
And yes, you, Mr. Grumpy, who won’t let anyone else near
yet won’t eat from my hand yourself.
I know, when you are dirty and un-preened,
you are having a bad time.
I throw extra food your way then.
I know, when you try to eat my fingers,
you are a first-timer. 
Eventually, when you are less afraid, 
you will nip the food from my hand
with precision.
I stop breathing when you flutter around me,
your wings brushing my back and face.
Like angels, I imagine.
I thrill when you snag bites on the wing.
I go without expectations
and have quit bringing my camera
to just be with you.
So there is no way to capture,
other than with my feeble words,
that moment when the sun
lit your translucent tail feathers
illuminating the impossibly perfect details 
and grey peacock swirls 
as you hovered mid-air
and looked into my eyes.
This is my humble thank you.




Monday, January 5, 2015

Really Big Deal Things

It's a recent thought . . . the really big deal things in life don't start out seeming like a big deal. No one sets out on a given day to 'meet their soul mate'.  No, you simply decide to take in a nice art show and start chatting with the one other person in the room admiring the abstract bowl of fruit and fifty years and seventeen great-grandchildren later you recognize it for the big deal it was.  Or maybe you go water-skiing with the summer day camp kids in 1981 and meet the cute guy driving the boat and end up with a twenty year marriage, three beautiful kids and a great life in Oregon. Or you randomly decide to adopt an abandoned puppy and end up with the dog of a lifetime. You just never know.

That twenty year marriage . . . millions of little things happen, words are spoken . . . most drifting off into the atmosphere never to be thought of again. For your consideration . . . how many times would you guess three children can ask for a pet over the course of their childhoods?  Lots. And somewhere in the vicinity of 99.5 percent of the time we smiled,  said maybe, ignored them or flat out said no. Sometimes it was, 'Hell no."   So what was different the day Nicole came home from school and said, "I saw a really nice dog today"?  

It was just after the big snowstorm of  2004. Nicole's sixth grade class was visited by a representative from an animal shelter in The Dalles. She brought a dog with her and shared his story. He was part of a litter abandoned in the snow storm after the owner had been arrested and taken to jail. The dog was four months old, black, of unknown heritage  . . . and just as cute as he could be.  We were moving to a rural orchard within the month and it seemed like the right time to get a dog. So he became ours.

It took a few days to come up with a name. His shelter name was Dakota but didn't fit him. The world was at the height of Harry Potter mania but Sirius seemed too sinister (and obvious).  I campaigned for Uther (father of King Arthur) but nothing resonated until someone suggested Skipper. We all agreed and it was settled. Skipper it was. 

We would eventually claim Skipper to be a nearly perfect dog but there were a few kinks to work out. Early on he had a desperate separation anxiety and nearly destroyed our front door with his frantic clawing. On the farm he would chase us down the driveway and barrel out into the road without looking, forcing us, very reluctantly, to resort to a remote shock collar.  It took only a handful of shocks and he seldom left the property again. 

Skipper was born old. Even as a puppy he was always most content lying around, just being close to his people. He would lie down to eat with his paws wrapped around his food bowl. He was not a fetcher. If you threw a ball he would retrieve it once. If you threw it again he would look at you as if to say, "I got it for you once. You're on your own now." He never was a running dog; he didn't even walk briskly. Skipper ambled. Slowly.  A group of us were visiting on a side street in Seaside years ago. A car came along as Skipper plodded across the street. I remember the driver kindly stopping and saying something about the 'poor old guy'. We were a little embarrassed to admit he was only three. There is a photo somewhere, from Mexico, featuring Skipper with a dead bird in his mouth. I have not been convinced by anyone that he actually killed the bird. . . but he sure was proud to have found it.  The middle school would hold an annual event called "Veloci-doggy".  It was a fun day in spring in which kids would bring their dogs from home to participate in various competitions to calculate the velocity of moving objects.  Skipper only went once. He was very slow.

Skipper had the unusual talent of - how shall I say this? - leaving no trace. He would disappear into the orchard to relieve himself.  No yard patrol needed. We laughed and marveled at his exceptional (deliberate?) timing at the beach once when the next incoming wave rendered the poop bag unnecessary. 

Skipper liked to eat and he didn't like to move.  We tried to enforce good eating habits but he still closed in on one hundred pounds. He was such a gentle giant - with one exception. His self assigned duty was to protect the territory under the table any time food was present. He was fine with human adults around the table but dogs and rug rats (perceived threats to falling scraps) fielded vicious growls from him.  Once the food was cleared he was back to his gentle self. 

Skipper became a ridiculously beloved member of our family.  While it was clear he loved us all in return, his special bond with Kelvin was indisputable. As our marriage dissolved I was surprised by Kelvin's sudden, uncharacteristic desire to get a Newfoundland puppy - a breed I had long admired. Six years later it finally occurred to me it was his way of ensuring custody of Skipper - something I would never have considered fighting. But it's a cute part of the story. 

The stories could go on forever . . . like how Skipper became the best faux service dog ever.  He had documentation and a vest and an ID card which allowed him to travel anywhere.  We made jokes about mumbling quickly that he was a "Caesar" dog (adept at sniffing out Caesar salad), but he was so well behaved no one ever questioned it.  Or the stories of how he howled at the fire department sirens - sometimes without lifting his head off the ground where he was lying. You get the idea.

Sunday, January 4, 2015 Skipper became fatigued and short of breath while in Mexico with Kelvin.   Within an hour he died with his head in Kelvin's lap. It was warm and sunny, eleven years and a million miles away from that snow storm of 2004. 

I have been most touched by an observation the kids made.  They said the thing Skipper was best at was receiving love. Sometimes it's easier to give love than to receive love and Skipper showed us how to unconditionally receive love. 

We had no way of knowing it then, because you never do, but that innocent comment, "I saw a really nice dog today" was one of those big deal things.  Rest in peace, dear sweet Skipper. We are better humans for having had you in our lives.