Friday, December 31, 2021

wonder · 1 : something or someone that is very surprising, beautiful, amazing, etc.


New Year’s Eve, 2021.

Chance took me across the Astoria Megler Bridge today -

a route rarely taken.

I reacquainted myself with wonder.

How often are the mountains to the north covered in snow?

How often does the sea actually splash onto the highway in Washington?

How often does an eagle soar right across my path?

Cranberry bogs? A first for me! 

Soaring geese . . .

their V-formations always catch my breath.

I used to notice these things . . .

capture the wonder in word.

How long has it been since I felt 

wonder?

A treacherous election . . .

a pandemic . . .

the death of a close friend . . .

My wonder was nearly exterminated.

But today as I crossed that bridge

I thought to myself -

to all the bad things -

‘God dammit, you can’t have my wonder. I’m taking it back.’

Happy New Year, 2022.

Let there be wonder.



PS. Not my photo. Sourced from google with no credit to original photographer.


Sunday, November 1, 2020

One Moment In Time

It was innocent enough. I clicked on ‘a video you might like’ and soon I was spiraling down the rabbit hole of golden buzzer moments on America’s Got Talent. At some point, a nine year old girl performed a moving rendition of Michael Bolton’s 1989 ‘How Am I Supposed to Live Without You’ and then I’m feeling sentimental and googling Michael Bolton and realizing he’s 67 years old . . . wtf?. . . and then the next video of the same little girl performing Whitney Houston’s ‘One Moment In Time’, released in 1988. And then I’m watching the video of Whitney performing that same song at the 1989 Grammy Awards. It featured footage from the 1988 summer Olympics with victorious, smiling, American champions receiving medals, and baseball players leaping into the air with joy . . . swimmers and boxers, and Flo-Jo spinning in her husband’s arms. And there’s Whitney in that iconic, form fitting, white dress; singing her heart out. From my 2020 perspective, knowing how things ended, I wonder what pain she was going through that night that nobody saw. . .and then I’m googling the date of Whitney’s death . . . and the death of her daughter . . . so much tragedy . . . and I'm reading all this to the background of the news on Covid and racism, and the economy, and the election. Right now, footage is playing of a Trump supporter caravan harassing a Biden bus on the highway while Trump cheers them on . . . and I’m thinking about the world I’ve brought 3 babies into and it all seems horrible and hopeless and for the first time since the start of Covid - 8 fucking months in - I’m finally crying - like really ugly crying. Crying for the loss of safety. Crying for the loss of kindness and dignity. Crying for the loss of pride in being an American. Crying for the loss of a president who can string together a sentence. Crying for the loss of Whitney Houston and the 230,000 we didn't need to lose. Tonight the music of the 80’s takes me back to a time when the worst thing that ever happened to me was the death of my father. I want so badly for that to be the worst thing ever, but I am terrified that we aren’t even close to the worst thing ever. One moment in time, America. This is it. Don't fuck it up.

1/8/22  Addendum: make that 800,000 we didn't need to lose.  

3/11/23 Addendum: make that 1,115,637 we didn't need to lose.  



'Give me one moment in time, when I'm racing with destiny.

Then in that one moment in time, I will feel - I will feel - eternity.' 


Friday, January 27, 2017

Motherfucker, You Made My Daughter Cry

Five years ago my youngest daughter was a freshman in high school. One week into a doomed romance her pimple-faced boyfriend kissed another girl.  My daughter was heartbroken. At home that night, after keeping a brave face in the halls at school, she cried her eyes out and we, her family, rallied around her. The next day, in the common courtyard between classes, her brother found the guy. The first words out of his mouth were, and I quote, "Motherfucker, you made my sister cry."  No one got punched but the boy did have to get on his knees and apologize to my daughter, using her full name - which he didn't even know.  My son was called to the principal's office and had to write a letter of apology for bullying.  He was cool with that.  And my daughter? She felt like a rock star for days. Why? For this simple reason: she had been seen, heard, listened to and stood up for in a most remarkable way.  Watching her blossom under that light was beautiful.

Last night she was visiting from Gresham where she now lives. She's 19, working, figuring out life in the city - a long way from the first-boyfriend-freshman she had been. We were catching up, laughing, enjoying sandwiches at the local pub when I casually asked what she thought about everything going on in the world. In an instant her eyes welled up with tears and she started crying. She's bewildered. She grew up in a small community that, while not perfect,  generally demonstrated respect among its citizens regardless of gender, nationality and religion.  She and, I would imagine many others her age - our daughters (and our sons as well) - are worried about what will become of them in a country that allows a pussy-grabber to run for office AND win.  They are watching as wealthy old cronies with outrageously conflicted interests are nominated for positions they have no business holding. They see people reveling in the presumed freedom to be politically incorrect and say horrible things to their fellow humans. They are stunned as a wall is being proposed, actions are taken to register Muslims and the "tired and weary" are refused a crossing to safety. Our daughters are calculating just how terrified they need to be, and their worry is justified. They are crying.

MOTHERFUCKER, YOU MADE MY DAUGHTER CRY.  

I say that directly to you, Donald Trump. And if you would shut your mouth long enough to listen you would hear the voices of women all over the world saying it. And if you listen just a little bit harder you'll hear the ghostly voices of Thomas Jefferson,  John Hancock and their comrades echoing from wherever they are now . . .

MOTHERFUCKER, YOU MADE OUR DAUGHTER CRY.  


But by then it will be too late, Donald.
For we, and our daughters, will have moved on to *the last thing any women ever says before taking action:
"I've had enough of this shit."


*Elizabeth Gilbert's 'The Divine Feminine Is Rising" https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/posts/1259130484169064:0



Thursday, October 20, 2016

Gone To the Birds

It's 8:46 on a very rainy Thursday - a day off work and a day with absolutely nothing scheduled. I ate a perfectly soft boiled egg on buttered toast and am contemplating a second cup of coffee.

I was going to go fishing with my best guy
but it was raining.


Apparently salmon are fussy about such things. Go figure, since they LIVE in water.  Being up early anyway, I sneaked outside to conduct an experiment. I've been feeding gulls for years now.
You already know that.


In the last month or so I've taken a fancy to crows. 
There is something deeply satisfying to my inner witch, 
seeing dozens of crows in my back yard. 



The problem is my gullies assume anything I throw on the ground is for them. They are spoiled. When I throw peanuts out for the crows, the gulls, being gulls, swoop in and take over.  Since I spend about $50/week on cheap cat food for the gulls, I feel entitled to try to manage this situation.  On any given day you can catch me out in the yard with an empty, crackly plastic Audubon Raw Peanuts bag chasing the gulls away.  'Come on guys! You get yours every evening. This is for the crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!"  I am now the proud owner of a Primos Old Crow crow call, so in between reasoning with the gulls, I follow the instructions on the back of the kazoo-like device and perform the eight 'Caw-Cawww' repetitions the package assures me is the feeding call.  Their response?  The crows do seem to congregate, look at me very curiously and chatter excitedly amongst themselves.

I really hope I'm not accidentally swearing in crow.



I'm not guessing, nor am I worried about what the neighbors think.  

Back to this morning's experiment . . . I thought if I was out before the gulls and scattered peanuts on the sidewalk the crows would discover them first and have a peaceful feast. Nope. Gull radar is so finely tuned I only have to open my back door before the first scout raises the alarm.  While a crow was first on the scene, caution held him back. Shortly the few gathered crows were outnumbered twenty to four.  In view of the drenching rain I left them to their own devices. You can lead a crow to peanuts . . . so to speak.

Are there life lessons here? I don't know.  Go after what you want?  The early bird gets the worm? Don't take peanuts from a white haired lady talking crow smack?  At a time when this country is torn apart by the ick of politics I simply take comfort in watching crows and gulls eating peanuts in my back yard.  One thing I have noticed:

They don't fight.  

The crows and the gulls. 

They don't fight.

The end.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Angry Raccoons and Mama Bears

I was only generally aware of the Angry Birds phenomenon. It was a phone game and spawned a lot of hats and t-shirts if I remember correctly. I do see live angry birds pretty regularly. I would be angry too if my wing were shattered in multiple places and a human, however well intended, was poking and prodding me. Mostly I see very nice birds. What I'm thinking about today, however, is angry raccoons. 

I have both bird and hummingbird feeders in my yard. Some mornings I would wake, totally baffled as to how the bird feeders, staked in large planters, were tipped over. I hadn't been aware of wind strong enough to rearrange my landscaping. And then there were the hummingbird feeders - sometimes drained of nectar right where they hung, sometimes knocked onto the deck in a sticky puddle. Usually the yellow centers of the feeder flowers were popped out and scattered. Then one night as I was about to let my dog out the mystery was solved. Just feet away from me a raccoon was on the deck railing, standing on his hind legs with his paws wrapped around the hummingbird feeder guzzling the nectar. 


Apparently I'm not the only one to discover this. A quick google search didn't even have to be finished before 'raccoon drinking from hummingbird feeder' popped up. Meanwhile in the yard three more raccoons were clamoring around the planter with the bird feeders and I watched it tumble, crashing the feeders on the ground, strewing seeds everywhere. As I opened the door they scattered leaving Mr. Nectar Chugger behind. I smiled and told him he was quite handsome as he casually sauntered away. 
They truly are beautiful creatures.



A couple nights later, knowing raccoons were in the neighborhood, I should have looked before letting Alex out for a bedtime potty break. Before I knew what was happening my nine year old, seven pound Papillon with a single tooth charged four racoons. They did what raccoons do. They defended themselves violently against the very dangerous aggressor. And I did what mama bears do. Without thinking it through I was in the middle of the mass of snarling raccoons kicking them, quite sincerely. I wish I had been swearing like a real bad ass but I think all I kept saying was, 'Git! Git! Git!' Talking later with my wildlife rehabber friends I realized I was pretty lucky I wasn't attacked as well. I give credit to my Xtra-Tuf boots (and maybe a little badassness). Alex ended up with three modest lacerations and a visit to the vet but no stitches.  All told, no serious injuries and a pretty cool story. I still think raccoons are beautiful. I'm just a little more cautious around them now. 

Photos from Google images.







Tuesday, February 23, 2016

When I Wasn't Looking

It has been a week of landmarks.

I really intended to catch the moment my odometer turned over to 100,000 on the only new car I've ever owned. It blew right past me on a quick trip to Astoria last week. Thank you, sweet lil' Subaru, for 100,000 miles of adventure.  (Please ignore the fact that I snapped this shot while traveling 40 mph. My bad.)



I have also been watching my blog counter as it closed in on 9,000 views. Missed that one too. Thank you to all of you who tune in and share your support. It means a lot.

I did not miss today's landmark.  One year ago today I piled the final load into above mentioned Subaru and made the final move to my beloved Seaside. I miss my people in Hood River but feel like Seaside is the place I've spent a lifetime finding.


Here in Seaside I've carved out a life. It is full of the local coffee shop where I work; the birds at the Wildlife Center of the North Coast; a sweet dog; a new cat; a very fine gentleman named Bart and the wild and salty sea I love so much. My oldest daughter is graduating from the Seattle Film Institute next month; my boy is immersed in the final year of a degree in Computer Engineering at UW and my youngest daughter is traveling, at this moment, from San Francisco to Portland to set up her first apartment with a couple girlfriends.

I'm wallowing in gratitude for a full life in which I, and those I love most, are happy and moving forward with what we all love. Can't ask for much more than that.

Much love to you from me and my blue spot on the map.





Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Ocean Time

I am revisiting Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift From the Sea.  A fine read for anyone but a must read if you love the sea.  It feeds that desire within me to immerse myself wholly into sea life . . . to live by the tides and, in the words of Joan Anderson, A Year By the Sea, to live a wild and salty life.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh says, "To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea."

I have been that person who goes out to find as many sand dollars as I could carry; to urgently grab the treasures I found on the beach. That is changing.  Now that I have the luxury of living, full time, in this place I love so much, I am becoming more patient. I don't need to pick up every bone I find.  I don't need to grab all the sand dollars - although I was super excited to find handfulls of sand dollars in Manzanita last weekend to share with some of my most favorite people ever.  I don't have to be present for every high tide. The reality of living here is that, along with everyone else, I have a job and laundry and floors to mop and a dog to walk and sometimes I'd rather sleep in than wake up for the 4 am clamming. But don't think for a moment I take any of it for granted. I am learning patience.  I am learning trust. I am learning faith.

And now that I'm closing in on nearly a year by the sea, I'm feeling a little wild and salty (I'll see you in March, Joan Anderson!).

Here is today, on  the beach, in Seaside. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Today.



Subtle Differences

Today
the ocean smells unusually fishy.
A subtle difference to
a student of the sea.

Odd gull behavior too.
A couple dozen instead
of the couple hundred
who nip cat food
from my hands.

Perhaps better pickings elsewhere and
while unable to identify
the source of the smell
I am sure I will.

In time.
The ocean’s time which
I would argue
is different from
beach time.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Return to Darkness

I received the gift of an extra four hours today. One from the time change, the rest from getting off work three hours early.  (I have an awesome boss.)

I took Rupee for a walk, attempted some vacuuming, emptied and re-loaded the dishwasher and ran a load of laundry for the second time because it hung out wet in the washing machine one day too long.  Oops.  But the best thing I did with my bonus time was sit with a friend over tea for a couple hours.  We processed a lot. I listened a lot. I didn’t have a lot of answers.  I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the point.

I heard many bemoan the return to darkness today.  I’m the oddball.  I love the dark.  I have a fantasy about living by the light cycles and not using electricity - this includes taking showers in the dark. TMI, maybe. That fantasy ends abruptly when it comes to actually hauling wood, sweeping ashes and pounding my clothes clean with salt water and rocks - but it did prompt me to buy a dozen kerosene lanterns a couple years ago.  I have one lit now.  In its warm glow I’ve watched a furious sea and an exceptional high tide fade to black and, at six pm, am feeling delightfully sleepy.


 I like this photo of my lantern and computer.  It seems to be about the right balance of old and new. 

The wheel has turned and we are solidly into fall. I wait all year for this. I’m feeling content in my little spot by the sea today and I wish the same for you wherever you are.

P.S. I have eleven lanterns to spare if anybody wants one

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Why I Wake Early

It's my day off.  I stayed up till midnight watching a movie, knowing I could sleep in.  Wouldn't you know it?  At 5:30am I was wide awake. I didn't know there was a  -1.1 tide at 6:35am. Clamming is closed so on a morning when there could have been thousands of people frantically digging their limit it was just me and that bald eagle perched on the sand, daring the crows to try and take his breakfast. In the second it took me to scan the beach to the north, he was gone.  Had he really been there?  I bet I could have found the footprints.

I did marvel at the intricate sand snail trails turning the beach into a huge etch-a-sketch. I stomped around and smiled at the clam shows and wished them well. I picked up and kissed the most enormous slug I've ever seen. I found more sand dollars than I could carry.  I watched the rising sun light up the sea gooseberry blobs like iridescent glass. Most importantly, I thanked the Universe for not letting me sleep in.

Mary Oliver published a book of poems titled 'Why I Wake Early'.  Here is my favorite poem from that collection:

The Pinewoods

Just before dawn 
three deer 
came walking 
down the hill

as if the moment were nothing different
from eternity --
as lightly as that
they nibbled

the leaves,
they drank
from the pond,
their pretty mouths

sucking the loose silver,
their heavy eyes
shining.
Listen,

I did not really see them.
I came later, and saw their tracks
on the empty sand.
But I don't believe

only to the edge
of what my eyes actually see
in the kindness of the morning,
do you?

And my life,
which is my body surely,
is also something more --
isn't yours?

I suppose the deer waited 
to see the sun lift itself up,
filling the hills with light and shadows --
then they went leaping

back into the rough, uncharted pinewoods
where I have lived so much of my life,
where everythig is so quick and uncertain,
so glancing, so improbable, so real.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

More Serendipity

I love it when the universe conspires with me, sometimes even before I'm aware of it.  I think it corresponds (tranlate: is the same thing) to the idea of God answering prayers even before you breathe them.

It was Sunday evening. I'd put off the assignment for my Monday afternoon writing group until the last minute. It had been a busy day and my mind was spinning.  I threw some mellow music on Pandora and drew a hot bath.  Mentioning the epsom salts sounds very senior citizen, but what the fuck. I have recived mail from AARP.

So I'm in the bath tub, winding down and have started contemplating the subtle things you hear at the end of the day . . . the sounds that emerge when the hustle and bustle has died down . . . when you can hear the white noise of the ocean, hidden all day by next door's construction equipment . . . when you can hear the song sparrows saying goodnight to the day . . . when you can hear the drips from the faucet falling into the water you are soaking in . . .

Then the music started to register and it was so compelling I hopped out of the tub and ran, towel wrapped and dripping, downstairs to learn the name of the song.  It was a piece called 'Silent Hollow' by Robert Linton from his album "Whisperings at Nightfall".  For real.  You can't make this shit up.

Pull up the link, push play and read the poem.  The only cool thing you need to know is that every 2nd line is transposed to become the next line.  It was a challenging and fun puzzle.  I'd like to thank Robert Linton,  wherever he is, for the beautiful inspiration.

Whisperings at Nightfall

There are some things you only hear
among the whisperings at nightfall.

At nightfall I sit among the whisperings
which ride beneath the surface.

The surface rides beneath,
and mingles with, the static of the ocean

Which is not a static ocean at all -
carrying on, indifferent to our awareness.

Carrying awareness indifferently
among the whisperings at nightfall.







Monday, April 27, 2015

Stinking Dead Things and Lessons on Time

You can smell them from the Safeway parking lot. You can smell them from the intersection of Broadway and Holladay. You can smell them in my living room with the back door open. The Velellas are back by the millions and they are dying.  This happened in July last year.  I posted about them here. Somewhere I have a journal I purchased at the time to start recording the cycles of the ocean and what I find washed up on the beach.  I have yet to write in it. I better get after it.

It's been a little over two months since I moved permanently to Seaside. It's been a whirlwind of a couple months, settling into my 'sugar cube' house; starting a new job in a new coffee shop; volunteering weekly at the Wildlife Center; writing with a fun, creative group at Beach Books.

Last weekend my best friend of (cough)thirty-nine(cough) years flew in from Reno to celebrate my becoming a published poet. The poem I shared here has been published in the North Coast Squid. Yet another milestone, of many, Glenda and I have shared together.

After Glenda's visit I made a quick dash to Hood River to celebrate Taylor's eighteenth birthday.


I drove back to Seaside on Monday and got back in time to catch the tail end of a decent low tide and half a limit of razor clams. As I was heading back to the house I heard a voice say, "Hey, baseball bat!" I looked up to see Walt, my clamming guru from last spring.  You may remember him and Gizmo from this post.  We made a date for clamming on Wednesday.  It was great to reconnect!





The next morning I was driving to Olney, where the Wildlife Center is located, for my weekly volunteer shift.  The drive was soothing and beautiful and for the first time since my move I felt settled.  My Tuesday routine has become . . . routine.

 My life is busy and full and I am very grateful.

Here are some pictures I took today. In spite of the fact that the Velellas stink to high heavens, it's a remarkable phenomenom.  They are a reminder that life moves in cycles here in this part of the world.  I need to pay attention becuase in a few days there may be very little left of the Velellas and we'll be on to the next thing.





 I am thinking about how time flies . . .

Thirty-nine years of friendsip, 
eighteen years since the birth of my last child, 
one year since I learned to clam and saw my first Velellas.  
Before I know it the Velellas will be here again. 
What will I have done  with my one wild and precious life in the meantime?


*Thanks to Walt Pisarczyk for the clamming photos!
* "my one wild and precious life" excerpted from Mary Oliver's 'The Summer Day'.





Thursday, February 19, 2015

Unseen Magic

As I start my 54th trek around the sun I find myself in an odd place. . .  mostly moved out of my home of nearly 6 years, finishing some shifts at my beloved coffee shop, days away from the final car load to Seaside and crashing in the home of my ex - a home we shared in the  midst of a pear orchard.

I had a holy spot on the western end of the orchard. It was edged by Indian Creek and a small wood. My daughter and I rolled ottoman sized stones into place to form a circle. There were many full moon gatherings, both solo or with my sacred circle of friends. It was, and as I just discovered, still is, a magical place. 

I am grateful to the Universe (and to Kelvin) for letting me land here for a few last days before leaving for my new home. 


The pull of the invisible new moon
stirs me from slumber . . .
insists on my participation . . .
calls me.
I know the way,
even in the moonless darkness.
My feet have walked this path
more times than I remember.
Of this I am sure -
I have been here before.
I mean really before.
I follow the wide path through the pear trees.
West - South - West again.
The stand of woods rises out of the mist.
Yes, there really is mist.
Oh, I've missed this place.
My sacred place of stone and trees.
Much has happened here - 
 women have gathered
     stories have been told
    tears shed
      strength reclaimed.
     The magic runs deep.
The stones are long since scattered . . .
The graceful cottonwood,
strewn with beribboned offerings,
is gone.
But
the space is here.
The Guardians, the spirit, the magic . . .
all here.
And, as with the new moon,
that unseen, but remembered,
is all the more powerful.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Long Way Home

Well, it has happened. 
I will never visit the coast again. 
That's it. I'm done!  
On February 4 I will take 84 west to 5 south, hop on 405 in whichever direction it jogs to 26 and then cruise west to Hwy 101 and north to my beloved Seaside. 
Not as a visitor but as a resident. 
I'll be home!  
It's taken 52 years. 
Talk about the long way home! 
No, there won't be kippers for breakfast, 
but do stop in for a mean scrambled clam hash. 
Any time. 
Please. 
My door will be open.  
The following poems happened on my last visit.  
Thanks for sharing this journey with me. 
Now, I have a garage to clear out. 
See you at the beach!!


Chiffon With a Side of Hail


Today is the kind of day that can't make up her mind. 
Being a total beach
she can be as fickle as she pleases. 
Who is going to argue with her? 
Like an excited teenager before a date, 
this day is flouncing from one frock to the next 
as fast as she can bat her eyelashes. 
Sunny lemon chiffon . . .
Iridescent grey silk with a sheer ribbon of rainbow . . .
Misty grey satin studded with hail rhinestones . . .
She twirls around until she catches a glimpse of herself 
in the mirror of the sea
and in an instant she's on to the next.
When she wearies 
she will wrap herself in black velvet 
and sleep. 

Gullible
Guilty as charged.
I bribed you with a twenty pound bag of
cheap cat food.
It was the only way to get close to you.
You were one among many. 
At a quick glance you and your flock
(yes, that’s what we call you)
all look alike.
But I am getting to know you.
Yes, you with one leg.
Yes, you with a tear 
in the pink webbing of your foot.
And yes, I remember and miss you, Cap’n,
with the hook in your wing.
And yes, you, Mr. Grumpy, who won’t let anyone else near
yet won’t eat from my hand yourself.
I know, when you are dirty and un-preened,
you are having a bad time.
I throw extra food your way then.
I know, when you try to eat my fingers,
you are a first-timer. 
Eventually, when you are less afraid, 
you will nip the food from my hand
with precision.
I stop breathing when you flutter around me,
your wings brushing my back and face.
Like angels, I imagine.
I thrill when you snag bites on the wing.
I go without expectations
and have quit bringing my camera
to just be with you.
So there is no way to capture,
other than with my feeble words,
that moment when the sun
lit your translucent tail feathers
illuminating the impossibly perfect details 
and grey peacock swirls 
as you hovered mid-air
and looked into my eyes.
This is my humble thank you.




Monday, January 5, 2015

Really Big Deal Things

It's a recent thought . . . the really big deal things in life don't start out seeming like a big deal. No one sets out on a given day to 'meet their soul mate'.  No, you simply decide to take in a nice art show and start chatting with the one other person in the room admiring the abstract bowl of fruit and fifty years and seventeen great-grandchildren later you recognize it for the big deal it was.  Or maybe you go water-skiing with the summer day camp kids in 1981 and meet the cute guy driving the boat and end up with a twenty year marriage, three beautiful kids and a great life in Oregon. Or you randomly decide to adopt an abandoned puppy and end up with the dog of a lifetime. You just never know.

That twenty year marriage . . . millions of little things happen, words are spoken . . . most drifting off into the atmosphere never to be thought of again. For your consideration . . . how many times would you guess three children can ask for a pet over the course of their childhoods?  Lots. And somewhere in the vicinity of 99.5 percent of the time we smiled,  said maybe, ignored them or flat out said no. Sometimes it was, 'Hell no."   So what was different the day Nicole came home from school and said, "I saw a really nice dog today"?  

It was just after the big snowstorm of  2004. Nicole's sixth grade class was visited by a representative from an animal shelter in The Dalles. She brought a dog with her and shared his story. He was part of a litter abandoned in the snow storm after the owner had been arrested and taken to jail. The dog was four months old, black, of unknown heritage  . . . and just as cute as he could be.  We were moving to a rural orchard within the month and it seemed like the right time to get a dog. So he became ours.

It took a few days to come up with a name. His shelter name was Dakota but didn't fit him. The world was at the height of Harry Potter mania but Sirius seemed too sinister (and obvious).  I campaigned for Uther (father of King Arthur) but nothing resonated until someone suggested Skipper. We all agreed and it was settled. Skipper it was. 

We would eventually claim Skipper to be a nearly perfect dog but there were a few kinks to work out. Early on he had a desperate separation anxiety and nearly destroyed our front door with his frantic clawing. On the farm he would chase us down the driveway and barrel out into the road without looking, forcing us, very reluctantly, to resort to a remote shock collar.  It took only a handful of shocks and he seldom left the property again. 

Skipper was born old. Even as a puppy he was always most content lying around, just being close to his people. He would lie down to eat with his paws wrapped around his food bowl. He was not a fetcher. If you threw a ball he would retrieve it once. If you threw it again he would look at you as if to say, "I got it for you once. You're on your own now." He never was a running dog; he didn't even walk briskly. Skipper ambled. Slowly.  A group of us were visiting on a side street in Seaside years ago. A car came along as Skipper plodded across the street. I remember the driver kindly stopping and saying something about the 'poor old guy'. We were a little embarrassed to admit he was only three. There is a photo somewhere, from Mexico, featuring Skipper with a dead bird in his mouth. I have not been convinced by anyone that he actually killed the bird. . . but he sure was proud to have found it.  The middle school would hold an annual event called "Veloci-doggy".  It was a fun day in spring in which kids would bring their dogs from home to participate in various competitions to calculate the velocity of moving objects.  Skipper only went once. He was very slow.

Skipper had the unusual talent of - how shall I say this? - leaving no trace. He would disappear into the orchard to relieve himself.  No yard patrol needed. We laughed and marveled at his exceptional (deliberate?) timing at the beach once when the next incoming wave rendered the poop bag unnecessary. 

Skipper liked to eat and he didn't like to move.  We tried to enforce good eating habits but he still closed in on one hundred pounds. He was such a gentle giant - with one exception. His self assigned duty was to protect the territory under the table any time food was present. He was fine with human adults around the table but dogs and rug rats (perceived threats to falling scraps) fielded vicious growls from him.  Once the food was cleared he was back to his gentle self. 

Skipper became a ridiculously beloved member of our family.  While it was clear he loved us all in return, his special bond with Kelvin was indisputable. As our marriage dissolved I was surprised by Kelvin's sudden, uncharacteristic desire to get a Newfoundland puppy - a breed I had long admired. Six years later it finally occurred to me it was his way of ensuring custody of Skipper - something I would never have considered fighting. But it's a cute part of the story. 

The stories could go on forever . . . like how Skipper became the best faux service dog ever.  He had documentation and a vest and an ID card which allowed him to travel anywhere.  We made jokes about mumbling quickly that he was a "Caesar" dog (adept at sniffing out Caesar salad), but he was so well behaved no one ever questioned it.  Or the stories of how he howled at the fire department sirens - sometimes without lifting his head off the ground where he was lying. You get the idea.

Sunday, January 4, 2015 Skipper became fatigued and short of breath while in Mexico with Kelvin.   Within an hour he died with his head in Kelvin's lap. It was warm and sunny, eleven years and a million miles away from that snow storm of 2004. 

I have been most touched by an observation the kids made.  They said the thing Skipper was best at was receiving love. Sometimes it's easier to give love than to receive love and Skipper showed us how to unconditionally receive love. 

We had no way of knowing it then, because you never do, but that innocent comment, "I saw a really nice dog today" was one of those big deal things.  Rest in peace, dear sweet Skipper. We are better humans for having had you in our lives.










Thursday, November 27, 2014

Despair and Hope

First and foremost, this post is written with the permission of my daughter. Thank you, Taylor, for being brave enough to let me share your story.

It is Thanksgiving eve.  Tomorrow a good portion of our nation will feast on turkey and mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Where we can, we will be gathering with family, friends, and neighbors to give thanks for our many blessings.  This year I am brought to my knees with gratitude that my family - my three kids, their father and myself - will be together. Eleven days ago we were nearly planning a funeral.

I had a day full of plans on November 15th.  A friend was soon to turn fifty. I was going to meet the girlfriends, road-trip to Bonneville Hot Springs for a celebratory lunch, indulge in soaks and wraps, then head back to Hood River for the birthday party. Most likely I wouldn't have been home till eleven pm.  I composed a quick text to my presumably sleeping seventeen year-old daughter - "Heading out. See you later tonight."  I was just about to hit send when something told me to go upstairs and say goodbye in person. I knocked on the door. No response. I heard a weird clattering noise that sounded like a manual typewriter. I knocked again. Still no response. So I opened the door. The noise I was hearing was the body of my precious baby seizing so violently the bed was rattling. She was completely unresponsive, choking and hypoxic. Holding her head in a position to maintain an open airway with one hand, my phone was, thank god, still in my other hand.  I dialed 911 and in no time Hood River's finest EMT's were on the scene. She was transported to the local emergency room, stabilized and the next day we transferred to Providence Portland Medical Center and the day after that transferred to the Adolescent Psychiatry in-patient unit at Providence Willamette Falls Medical Center.  Yes - the reality we had to face was that our daughter had attempted suicide. She took a nearly lethal dose of Benadryl. Cost: $1.97.  She spent a week receiving caring, skilled in-patient treatment in Oregon City. As a family we are circling the wagons and exploring how to ensure a healthy recovery . . . how to ensure this doesn't happen again.  There are many resources and we are committed. We are optimistic. We are lucky.

I write this because I don't believe we are the only ones. Not for a minute. If this can happen in our family it can happen to anyone.  Within days of our near miss another dear member of our community successfully hanged himself. The holidays are upon us.  Surrounded by friends and loved ones it can be a joyous time but it can also be the loneliest of times.

Please . . . in this season and beyond, listen to your hearts.  Let those you love know how much you care. Reach out if you sense someone is in trouble.  The briefest kindness may be the one thing that gives a struggling friend the moment or two to decide to stick around a little longer.  Know about our resources.  Click here for the local Hood River Suicide hotline.  Click here  for the Mid-Columbia Center for Living.

I'm sharing the poem I wrote the morning after.  It's personal and painful but I am sure it's not my story alone.  Talk about this stuff - let's get it out from under the carpet.

Much love to you all.

Despair and Hope


I heard you get in around midnight.
The dogs did their due diligence then scrambled back in bed.
I dozily called out and you said, "Goodnight. I love you, mama."
"I love you too, Tay."
Always let those be the last words you say to the ones you love
for they may, indeed, be the last words.
I did not see the despair.
How did I miss that?
But I felt it today.
Despair when I found your body trying to die.
Despair as I held your seizing body and could only think, "Airway. Airway. Airway."
Despair as I fumbled the phone with one hand thinking, 

"911 - goddammit, that's all you have to manage."
Despair as the line rang while I repeated my address 

over and over in my head 
so I wouldn't forget it.
Despair at uttering the words, "Possible overdose".
And when you stopped seizing and fell silent in my arms . . .
eternal, breath-stopping seconds of despair.
And then you took a breath . . .
And the flashing red lights arrived . . .
And this morning as I stare at you sleeping peacefully,
thanking God you're still here,
the sunrise view from ICU 220
harbors hope.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Kali's Bones

It's been a while. I'm not dragging Stained into this time. It's just been a long time. Period.
It was a busy summer. 
According to the tide table on the desk in Seaside, I have been away since July. 
That's just unacceptable. 
That's the bad news. 
The good news is that I am moving to Seaside in January. 
For reals. 
Forever. 
In the meantime, this happened right around Equinox - September 20, to be exact.
It rained. I found bones. I made plans.  
Thank you, Jerry, for holding space for the holy in all it's forms.
I'm including images from the month(ish).
They just are. 

Kali's Bones

Kali showed up yesterday and she isn’t pretty.
Gorgeous and rich and wild and vehement, yes.
But not pretty.
Her eyes were bulging, her face purple and her tongue dangling in rage.
She is gonna level this place.
And when she’s done
there will be bones to gather
amidst the chattering, dead dune grass.
Another century’s cape will billow in the October wind.
My four-legged will hover closely.
He knows.
I’ll raise my arms and face to the scourging rain
and be washed clean
and I will know. 
Because I have always known - 
And I will always know.